Meeting People..

You know, I think back and I realize that no matter how hard I try I almost always come across as an angry white boy when I meet people, and its so not true. Or I go out to see people when I am not feeling well or things in the world are all screaming at me to stay home..

It happens a lot more than I would like to admit.

Most of the time I get so caught up in the greatness of who I am and what I know that I forget the little fact that for all I know, I still do not know everything, and in the scope of the leather universe I am an idiot (an I-D-10-T if you forgive my military lingo).

Is that a Zen statement?

I do not think so, what I think is I know that no matter how good a Top I think I am, I still have things I would like to learn and things I need to know.

That no matter what I know there always are thing’s I don’t know.

Other people are some of those things.

And even if I think I know some one, sometimes people surprise you, and end up being some one you brushed off who you really would have liked to known better.

There is a person who my roommates know really well, to whom a fuck is basically her way of shaking your hand. When I first meet her back in San Diego she was working the counter of a coffee shop where one of the local leather events was going on she was kind and generally nice and I brushed her off because I was their to meet the leather community, not some little coffee shop girl.. WOW, did I fuck that up bad.. She is actually a great person who for other reasons (all things I did), would (for the most part) rather not talk to me.

Or more recently, I was at a vender fair and I mouthed off to a person behind a counter who I had no idea who she was. I have talked to her a good bunch of times from that one to the current time, and realized that; A. she is a lot nicer person than I am, B. she has no idea that was me, or C. she has forgotten the whole matter?

Strangely, my looks change on some level in a way that people see me all the time, and yet they don’t see me? I don’t know how to explain it except some sort of Superman/Clark Kent ability?

In leathers I look like X, in dance clothes I look like Y, and in plain clothes I look like Z. And then you add the glasses on/glasses off and people have no idea who I am, or if my hair gets too long (I should really go back to getting it cut every other week) people just do not recognize me.

It’s a blessing and a curse.

On some level people get to know me before they get to make a real choice about who I am.

I am a white boy, with 21 years of his life on a shelf that no matter how tight I try to keep the bottle closed and ignore my emotions some how they leak out. Its something I am, learning to deal with, but its not who I am?

But as the quote from Mother Night (1996) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117093/) Says:

Howard W. Campbell Jr.: I guess the moral here is: you must be careful what you pretend to be because in the end you are who you're pretending to be.